Reframing Shame
Shame is a neurobiological, psychological necessity. It’s a natural inhibitor to keep us safe, even when it doesn’t feel good. We learned this, usually in childhood, to protect ourselves from unwanted consequences. Shame can be a healthy response, and one we may outgrow with healthy development, though there are times it shows up as toxic shame.
Toxic shame is the pervasive feeling of worthlessness, and we view ourselves, others, and the world through this lens. We seek instances of where this is true, usually unconsciously. This is called confirmation bias, and we generally ignore any information proving otherwise. It can be so debilitating to live this way, affecting our self-esteem, relationships, and work functioning.
As we grow into our adult selves and learn to reparent, I’m here to offer some different perspectives.
If we are struggling with blaming or shaming ourselves for things we did when we were younger, this question helps pull me out of that space:
- Would that version of me have been receptive? (To help, therapy, moving, taking advice, changing relationships or environments, etc.)
If the answer is no, we can let it go, and know that right now is the right time, because THIS version of us IS receptive to receiving help, tools, support, etc. We know who we were, how stubborn we might have been, the stigmas attached to certain things at the time, etc., and we may simply not have been ready. (I know I wasn’t “back then”.)
If what we are struggling with is the negative perceptions given to us by others, here are two questions that might help:
- Do I want to prove “them” right and the people who care about me wrong? Or prove the people who actually love me right and the haters wrong?
Start here and grow through it until there’s nothing left to prove. When that day comes, you’ll know who you are and stand proud and tall in that.
How can you tell the difference between people who say they love you and people who prove they love you?
Someone who says they love you will not:
- Tell you you’re worthless, unloveable, too much, not enough, stupid, pathetic, etc.
- Break you down
- Physically harm you
- Leave you without explanation or apology
- Give you the cold shoulder until you do what they want
- Confuse love for usefulness
- Not make you doubt their love
Someone who says they love you will:
- Tell you how valuable you are
- What you mean to them
- How you positively impact their life, and be consistent in that
- Show you respect
- Take accountability when they mess up
- Make an effort in the relationship
- Learn and grow with you
- Communicate with you
- Demonstrate their words through their actions
If you’re confused in a relationship, take that as a sign that something isn’t in alignment. Words and behaviors must match to be true, because words without actions are just that: pretty words.
- Try this: ask people in your life the qualities they admire about you. See what is consistent in their feedback, and see who offers positive qualities versus negative ones.
Finally, if the struggle is with negative self-talk, use these questions in this sequence, and walk through this series of questions each time a negative affirmation comes up:
- What do I say to myself?
- Where did I learn this?
- Did it help me when those people said it to me?
- Would it help me if the people around me now said the same things?
- Would I say what I say to myself to someone I love?
- What would be helpful to say to myself?
Each of these reframes takes practice, and while we may not believe it at first, the more we keep at it, the easier it becomes, and the greater the likelihood we will indeed believe it one day. We are constantly presented with new opportunities for growth, and it’s up to us to seize them. These are places to begin.
In summary, actions speak louder than words, and behavior is a language. We can choose how we treat ourselves, and that can start with how we speak to ourselves. We can also choose the people we surround ourselves with. Remember: You are worth more than one person’s rejection, even your own. If shame is something you struggle with, consider reaching out.
